I went to the beach yesterday. Been in (and over) my head way too much lately, needed some time to reflect on things. Anyway, I was determined to find the spot where Mike proposed to me. In the past we tried to go back, but it was closed off. There’s so many little pathways down to the beach along the coast, and they all happen to look exactly the same. I always tried to look out for it, but I had remembered it wrong. I thought I was looking for a ramp because Mike couldn’t go down stairs, but it was actually that we realised he couldn’t walk on sand anymore without falling. It’s crazy to visit a place where he had been 3 years ago to see how much he has changed. There were steps and a rickety path, that I look back now and see how much anxiety it would have caused to just get down there, even if I was holding his hand every step of the way. Anyway of course I cried straight away… I felt connected to him here, and couldn’t help but imagine this would be the perfect place to go when I wanted to feel close to him but couldn’t. In another trademark romantic gesture of mine, I carved our initials into the post. I guess I have been thinking about funerals and cemetaries lately. I pass them often while driving. I could never picture myself mourning at a grave. We’ve never really done things the traditional way. I guess this spot will be where I mourn, but better yet, to get away and be connected to nature at the same time. When I need to get out of my head and feel grounded to the earth below. This spot feels right.
I ended up going to another secluded spot by the water and made a video for him. So he can watch the beach and feel connected even if he can’t physically be there. The sound of the ocean came through really well considering my annoying voice over through the whole thing. The seagulls played their part, squawking amidst me telling him all comforting things for when he loses his ability to speak… To hopefully make him feel feel less trapped and alone in his body.