I feel like I’ve been doing relatively well lately, given the situation.  Today has just been one of those days though…  Where everything hits you at once and you feel completely screwed.  I know things could always be a lot worse, and I still have a lot to be thankful for…  but today it doesn’t offer much consolation.

I’ve really been stressing about my financial situation and just have no idea how I will continue to support myself.  Mike’s pension will no longer be able to pay the rent once he goes into residential care…  I ended up having to go on benefits myself because I was too messed up to be able to run my business any more or continue teaching.  To pick those up again would take a lot of time and energy I don’t have, which is why I had to stop in the first place.

I tried to take meditation and tai chi classes to help myself focus and keep calm…  But I’ve realised that my brain can’t take on learning anything new at the moment and I feel like such a failure that I can’t even do that.  So I’m really worried that if I started a new job, I wouldn’t have the mental capacity to throw myself into a new environment, when I’m really struggling with this one.  I feel hell weak that I can’t manage anything at the moment.  Makes me feel lazy, like I’m not trying hard enough.

I started getting back into my art after a massive lull.  It’s really given me the motivation to keep going.  It’s been a nice space to be in, to have creative energy flowing again.  I’m working on a lot of plans and projects, to try and utilise my creativity in conjunction with fundraising efforts for MND.  I really just want to do things for my own state of mind…  something I care about and have passion for, rather than working some menial job to support myself.  It would just make me feel like I did something that mattered.  Maybe not in the grand scheme of things, but to me at least.  I don’t want to feel like my last days with Mike were meaningless, or like I didn’t even try.

Ever since he’s been in hospital, I’ve really been making an effort to get myself back on track.  We’ve been a lot happier together.  I honestly think it was the hardest decision I made, but it was also one of the best.  Before we were both tired and cranky and couldn’t properly be there for each other.  Now we may not get to spend every day together, but it truly has been quality time.  We’ve both noticed a change in each other.  We’ve been laughing and smiling a lot more, and are a lot more ourselves than the washed out versions we used to call ourselves.  We’ve often wondered how we could possibly be feeling better lately, when things just keep getting worse and worse…  But it really is because we now can truly say we have each other.  There’s a lot more support, understanding and communication.

I guess that’s why I feel so low today though.  I know that time is limited.  In a way, I’m trying to get ready for a life without him.  Sure, getting a job sounds like a pretty standard thing…  But it represents a lot more than that.  It’s starting over..  starting to think about myself as on my own again, preparing myself for being completely shattered when he dies.  I’m so scared of the idea, that I’ve really been trying to focus on getting myself healthy again now, for what is to come.  But how do you prepare for something like that…

He came back home yesterday for a visit.  It’s been good having him back, but also sad that it can’t be like this all the time.  He’s lost so much weight lately, it scares me.  It’s just dropping off him each week now.  His pelvis is completely sticking out.  I don’t know what to make of it.  To know what is going on inside his body is one thing, but when it becomes so clearly visible on the outside too…  I start to get queasy at how graphic it’s becoming.  He’s literally wasting away before my eyes.  I just want to hang on and tell him not to leave me.

Before Mike, I never knew what it was like to have someone love you unconditionally.  I always grew up thinking I was a massive failure and was never going to be good enough, no matter what I did. Mike always encourages me and is my biggest supporter.  It felt really strange at first and took me a long time to trust that he would always be there for me.  Just seems like a big joke on me that I let my guard down to someone who isn’t going to be around for very long.

It’s bitter sweet I guess, because at least I finally know what it’s like.  All the stuff we went through, all the time spent doing things the hard way…  It just made what we have now so much stronger and more valuable to me.  Some people may never be lucky enough to experience that.  I just worry what it will be like when it’s gone.

I’ve probably come off sounding like a massive whinger.  I don’t know…  I feel like you need to do that every once in a while to get it out of your system so you can move forward.  There’s no point hanging onto it and letting it get toxic.


4 thoughts on “Toxic

  1. This shows the type of person you are fiercely loyal and so brave. You stayed when so many people would of bolted first chance they got. I owe the world to you

  2. You are not a whinger, far from it. You’ve been really honest. I can see/read how much you love each other. I can see back in time to Mike being patient with me trying to show me how to do stuff on the computer, making jokes, wearing his cool t-shirts. I have missed you both. I wish I could pick you both up and swaddle you in blankets and take you far away to some lovely place and look after you both, lovely,lovely people.

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